Thoughts on Dale Carnegie and Criticism of Others
Post by Danny Lamas. Follow me on Twitter.
I’ve been slowly getting through an audiobook version Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People and have found a lot of value in the lessons it offers, but by far the best piece of advice I’ve come across is the first fundamental technique in handling people that the book covers: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
I would like to think that I’m pretty good at curbing this kind of behavior within myself, but sometimes even the people you love the most can still bring out the worst in you, and I catch myself doing it a fair amount ever since I became more conscious after listening to Carnegie’s advice. Jonathan Mead of personal development blog Illuminated Mind was featured on Zen Habits recently to talk about the immature, whining nature of a baby that so many adults choose to revisit on a daily basis.
He recommends making it a priority to catch yourself when you complain or criticize flippantly without need, even if it’s well-reasoned. By stopping and noticing when you judge others or even yourself, you can choose then and there whether you can control what you’re complaining about, or just let it go:
“Obviously, this is a little easier said than done. Complaining is an addiction and a hard habit to break. Like any other habit to break, it will take time.
Even though it may be a long time (or possibly never) before you’re living completely complaint-free, that’s still okay. The good news is this isn’t all-or-nothing. Even 10% less complaining will have an immediate positive impact on your life. Then, once you’ve decreased your whining by 10%, you can keep bootstrapping your way down to complaining less and less.
After complaints show up less and less, something awesome starts to happen. Once your mind realizes that you won’t tolerate its moaning, it will begin to give up its efforts.”
It’s not earth-shattering advice, but it sure would do a lot of people good to think about it more often and notice the immediate impact of being more courteous and restrained in criticizing others.
How To Stop Acting Like Such a Big Baby [via Zen Habits]
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I have been wanting to read this book for a while, but have not had a chance to yet. I like the way he refers to complaining as an addiction–I think this is a valid way to put it. I recently wrote a comment over a Zen Habits (which is where I found your blog) about how disappointment is a selfish crutch we lean on, and I think complaining is much the same.
At the end of the day, what does complaining get you? I know for me, I just get more upset when I dwell on whatever the issue is, and I can’t get things done. It’s a spiral that just brings you down ever further and doesn’t stop until it’s conquered you. I am going to try to complain less–even if it’s only 10% less.